It’s been over a week since my last post which is an unusually long time for me. I guess I was just having “one of those weeks” last week. You know the ones where everything seems to be getting on top of you so the tiniest thing can make you feel upset or angry?
I think it is all down to feeling a little overwhelmed by a lot of changes going on this year, especially recently:
- Moving house in April to a town where we only know one other person. However all of our neighbours have been really friendly and we are only 8 miles from other good friends so it has become better over time. It just feels like a long way from York where a lot of my other friends and my sister live;
- Being made redundant from my job. The whole process dragged on for a while but I finally have a redundancy date on 26th Feb – luckily thanks to maternity leave and holiday my last day will be 8th February;
- How quiet I am at work – a lot of it is down to the nature of the company meaning it takes a long time for any marketing campaigns to be executed but having a definite end date seems to have had an impact on the workload;
- I miss seeing my friends! Always a big one for me but as I have moved around a bit (school in Yorkshire, college in Lincolnshire and Uni in Edinburgh) all of my close friends are scattered across the UK with only a few living nearby and I do find it hard not seeing them all as much as I’d like. This is always the thing that makes me feel most upset when other things are getting to me a bit – I love seeing people for catch-ups.
And, of course, the “big one”…actually realising that I will have a baby next year. I mean, I know that is the inevitable outcome of becoming pregnant but I think the reality has only just dawned on me in the last few weeks. Calling what I am experiencing a “freak out” may be a slight overreaction but I have certainly been feeling more emotionally on edge over the last week or so thanks to thoughts about how much my life is going to change.
Of course life is going to change, it is up to each individual how much your life does change to some extent but realistically the scale of the change is out of your control. You literally have no idea what it is going to be like, having a baby. All my friends and family tell me their experiences and it is great for advice and tips but ultimately I will find out once he/she is here! I am so excited but also nervous as my whole day-to-day routine will be completely different plus I won’t have a return to work looming over me for 9-12 months. I am very glad that I am going to have more choice than some over what to do once I am ready to go back to work but it is a daunting prospect being technically unemployed come March.
Even Sam joining the gym this week sent me into a mini meltdown. Writing that sentence makes me feel even more selfish than I did when I got upset about it last week! I am so happy he is finally doing something with his evenings, he has only ever really been interested in cars and motorbikes rather than any sports or hobbies as such so I think it’s great he’s out doing something with his mates now. It was just a bit of a shock to the system going from the one who was out fairly regularly (going to the gym, seeing friends or family after work) to being home alone most evenings until 8pm. And as I am a bit of a clean freak/anal about tidying I find myself doing even more chores on an evening whilst he is out then feeling pissed off that I have been doing them! Mad I know. I know the world won’t explode if I don’t put the washing away straight away or wait another day to Hoover but since becoming pregnant I don’t seem to be able to let go of the little niggles about the housework that I’ve always had. However, I am trying to remind myself of some advice my sister Laura (mother of a 15-week old baby) gave me last week – that in the first few months you will barely have any time to yourself to relax so do as much of it as you can now!
To counteract all of the negativity/moaning I did have a great time at my work Christmas party last Thursday. I’m glad I chose the Asos bodycon sparkly dress in the end as it felt glamourous enough for the night and didn’t make me look too “bumpy” unless you saw me side on! A lot of my colleagues went and we spent most of the night dancing (my aching back did not thank me on Friday and Saturday mind you!) and I didn’t even miss not drinking at all.
I also spent the weekend visiting my older sister Laura and her lovely little boy Eli on Saturday – lots of cuddles and smiles with him definitely cheered me up! And then I spent the majority of Sunday with my Step-Dad Cliff, younger sister Sabra and her equally lovely little boy Harry (2 and a half) so all in all the end of last week definitely made up for me feeling a little emotional to start off with. Plus Laura gave me a onesie to lounge around in! I have always wanted one so I was thrilled to finally have one and it is purple, my favourite colour!